Why Football Grounds Are Like Women:

1. there is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of play 2. pitches vary from the well grassed to the completley bald 3. remember, it is possible to score at both ends 4. tackling from behind is not always an offence, check with ground owner 5. be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of premiership standard, but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground 6. only some grounds offer five a side facilities 7. dont ever make public your desires to play at Wembley, also never mention pitches previosly visited 8. extra time is dependant on subsequent pitch bookings 9. if the ground does not seem to have undersoil heating, suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact a coroner 10. when building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back 11. wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles 12. always ask before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel, do not expect to be allowed to come straight from the tunnell to the goal mouth and score. that can leave an awful taste in the mouth of the pitch owner and may prevent further use of the ground 13. personal morals may be compromised by local derbies 14. it is illegal to play on small,unturfed pitches 15. from time to time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbant goalie 16. Bulgarian grounds are frequently more grassy 17. French grounds are frequently very nice too look at, however there can be sometimes an awful smell from the terraces which don't get hosed down as often as they should 18. very few grounds are found with executive boxes 19. be wary of grounds with room for coaches 20. always be on the lookout for grounds that host ladies footy two evenings a week 21. pitches with a waterlogged end, can be out of bounds for up to 5 days a month, although this can be longer if u piss the owner off by continually asking to play up the good end instead 22. players must agree personal terms with the club before being allowed to play on the turf 23. always look for a ground that has never been played on before (or at least hasn't had many visits). that said, well used grounds may have better facilities and will really know how to get the best out of a player

The "offside rule" explained for women:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!

BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!

 

 

 

If women were teams............

Fulham - Charlotte Church: Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.

Birmingham - Pamela Anderson: Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to.

Wigan - Davina McCall: Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.

Portsmouth - Girls Aloud: Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.

Sunderland - Kerry Katona: Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from where you came, please.

Spurs - Keira Knightley: Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn't be a drawback.

Everton - Dannii Minogue: The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?

Arsenal - Jordan: Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants.

Newcastle - Jodie Marsh: Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.

Aston Villa - Dido: Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.

Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.

Chelsea - Rachel Stevens: You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.

West Ham - Vicky Pollard: Nothing more needs saying as a teams fans speak for themselves - Chav's in Chav's clothing

Bolton - Clare Balding: You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth