WAGS
The "offside rule" explained for women:
You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire. Both of you have forgotten your purses.
It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.
The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.
Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.
She prepares to throw her purse to you.
If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other shopper and buy the shoes!
At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!
BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong for you to be in front of the other shopper and you would be OFFSIDE!
If women were teams............
Fulham - Charlotte Church: Proof that money can't buy you class. But could look more attractive if the Welsh bloke was given the elbow.
Birmingham - Pamela Anderson: Used to look good in the cups but now a declining force. Plus millions of people watched them get a good seeing to.
Wigan - Davina McCall: Poor attendances confirm they've been promoted above their ability.
Portsmouth - Girls Aloud: Only one real class act among the hastily assembled line-up. You shouldn't like them but admit it, you've sneaked the occasional admiring glance.
Sunderland - Kerry Katona: Once the people's favourite but now an embarrassment. Fun while it lasted - now disappear from where you came, please.
Spurs - Keira Knightley: Undeniably easy on the eye with an attractive English spine. And proof that two little ones up front needn't be a drawback.
Everton - Dannii Minogue: The poor relation to the more glamorous sibling. Can anyone remember when it was they were supposed to be any good?
Arsenal - Jordan: Were more likeable when they weren't packed out with expensive foreign implants.
Newcastle - Jodie Marsh: Impressive front two but embarrassing at the back. Had surgery but need a lot more work to compete at a higher level.
Aston Villa - Dido: Bland, boring and still trading off the one big hit they had years ago.
Liverpool - Sophie Ellis-Bextor: Individually all the components look great but stick them together and it just doesn't work.
Chelsea - Rachel Stevens: You'd rather just watch them than listen to all that painful whining.
West Ham - Vicky Pollard: Nothing more needs saying as a teams fans speak for themselves - Chav's in Chav's clothing
Bolton - Clare Balding: You wouldn't. Not even if they were the last team on earth